Are you the third person in a love triangle? Are you in a relationship with someone who is 'busy'? Are you trying to know if the person with whom you have so much feeling is going to leave their partner? Sandra Ferrer, psychologist and relationship expert is clear that "being in a three-way relationship is the most devastating thing there is". In Programa Mia - a therapy that she develops herself -, "we attend to many women who maintain these relationships for months and even years and seek help because they can't take it anymore."
There are five ideas that Ferrer considers fundamental to reflect on if you are in this situation:
You are the ingredient that makes your partner not break
When I tell them this, says the psychologist, “they explain to me how close they are, the 'feeling' they feel, the good sex they enjoy and everything they love. Also that the unfaithful person is wrong with her partner, whom she cannot leave at the moment. The expert replies: “if he is with his partner, even if he doesn't like the stage, he will know why. And if he doesn't bet on you, maybe it's you who has to reflect ”.
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In his opinion, "in this apparently gray scenario, which does not fulfill him, does not stimulate him, exhausts him and does not connect him with love, he needs an escape valve to continue with his life." And, precisely, “the engine that makes me connect again with the illusion is the new relationship”. It is common for the third person to wonder "why is not what they have enough for me to leave everything". But it is precisely this 'unofficial' relationship “that gives him oxygen to continue with his previous life and not face a problem that he postpones, almost always out of cowardice. Whether he does or not is not up to you."
The investor syndrome
It's what that third person feels when they're on edge. On the one hand, she considers leaving him, but on the other she thinks “we have been so many months and there is more love than ever, every day we are better. There is little left to fix it." About this, the expert says: “do not forget point 1, you are doing the opposite, giving oxygen”.
When you invest so much energy and effort, "it becomes more and more difficult to let go, because you think you are closer to the goal." You can't quit because "the more you invest, the more you wear yourself out, but the closer you feel to having the relationship you think you deserve." According to the experience of Sandra Ferrer “in reality, you are farther from leaving the space free for a person to show you that he loves and values you. The mistake is investing in someone who is not available to you."
You don't have to save anyone
When you are the third person in a relationship, “it is common to adopt the role of savior. You know that he has a hard time, has anxiety or does not sleep well. The important thing is to be aware “of the space to which it relegates you and in which you accept being”. And in the worst case, “he or she tells you how bad it is with his partner and you spend part of your valuable time talking about his other relationship”.
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The important thing is to be aware |
When there is a savior and a (supposed) victim, the former cares and gives herself excessively, “so she places herself on an unfair plane. And, in addition to settling for being the 'plan b', she goes out of her way to comfort”. This “is exhausting” and it is a good time to start thinking about yourself: “you are adults, you can help each other, but you don't need to take care of yourself to deserve their love. Her situation is chosen and to get rid of her or not, is her job. Yours is to understand that you deserve someone who gives you your place.
Is it really sincere?
Ferrer explains that it is common for women and men involved in these relationships to say: "he (or she) with me is super honest and tells me everything" and emphasizes that sincerity is a transversal value, a common thread: "not only with you, but in all aspects of his life. If he is sincere with you, "but it is obvious that he is not with his partner, family or environment, do you really think he is sincere?"
You know everything, but you are invisible
The co-founder of Programa MÃa assures that it is common for the third person to know many things about the other couple, including details of their intimate life. “However, that person doesn't even know you exist. Imagine how little importance you have in that system, in which you are absolutely nobody. Her official partner "has an important position, while you occupy no place beyond the small sphere you share. Where does that place you?"
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A relationship can work when there is reciprocity. "There is no point in being with someone who is not available, because parts are negative." His recommendation: find the strength to make decisions and take control of your life: “You have everything to have the relationship you deserve, but you have to leave a fertile void. If it has to be with that person, he will look for you.”
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